Suffocating. Drowning. That’s all I could feel, even though I was nowhere near water. The only sound I could hear is your voice, deep, melancholic, and torturous. You were nowhere near me either. Every feeling you ever gave me, every touch, every kiss, replaying through my brain, feels sharp, and sickening now. I can’t escape you, I can’t escape your touch, or your voice. You’re torturing me.
These days you’ve become all I can think about. Obsessively. My friends say that I’m just a rebound to you, and god, I hope they’re wrong. But at night, when I’m most alone, you turn into one of my many dreams. And like any other night, you suffocate me.
The time we’ve spent together, rings defiantly throughout my body. No matter my efforts to think of something else, anything else, I keep coming back to you. My bed is no longer a comfort, my sheets embedded with your scent. Oh how I long to escape you, to escape this.
Fear. The fear of loving you is starting to consume me now. My body shivers at the thought of falling in love with someone I barely know. Someone that barely knows me. The night drags on as I try to comfort this fear. Telling myself that you truly do love me, and that we can work. But, the more I think, the more I doubt.
We’re complete opposites, but we’re also exactly alike. You told me this yourself, which leads me to believe you fear this, just as much as I do.
Writing has become my escape, my way of getting everything I feel and fear out of my system. But, I always end up writing about you, about us. I continue to write anyway, it’s the one thing I will not allow anyone take from me. Writing is my escape.
So I write these feelings down, sitting in my bed, surrounded and consumed by thoughts of you. I write as the sun rises, and I write as the sun sets. Everyday and every night I write, even if it doesn’t stop the feelings, but only ever allows me to work through them.
Today, I came to the conclusion that I love you. But, the fear of you hurting me just as the guy before you did, stops me from saying it. For that, would give you power over me, and I doubt either of us is ready for that yet.
