When I had first met you I never thought of being with someone, of having an emotional connection. But, with time I had grown to love you in some twisted way. At the time, I didn’t have the fears that you had left me with, I had no reason to feel the need to be careful before trusting someone else with my own body. You seemed trust worthy enough that first day I met you but still, I waited 6 months exactly to share myself with you.
I wasn’t attracted to you, I didn’t think you were attractive in any way, I thought of you as someone I could trust. I wanted my first true experiences to be with someone I trusted. Afterall, trust is better than attraction.
Then you took that away, you destroyed my ability to trust you or anyone. You made sure that trust wasn’t something I could rely on anymore, that my own judgement of someone could deceive me. You left me exposed, my bare skin vulnerable to you and you only, even after being told no.
You cried for my forgiveness, argued over me being hurt by your betrayal, guilted me into feeling as though it was my fault. That I was the one to blame for your mistake. You lashed out when I finally processed what you had done to me, never truly regretting your own selfish actions.
I was lucky to have found the strength to rid myself of you, and to see your true manipulative behavior. I was never safe in your care.
As time moved by I was able to piece back together some of what you tore. I found a way to carry the burden of what you did, and realised it was never my fault, you were the one to blame. Luckily for me I had my friends by my side to help me through it all, one of them sticking out more than the others.
He had his own heartbreak to deal with, his own trauma to trudge through and yet, he was still there to help me through mine. So, we helped each other, a secret agreement we never had to say aloud. And the more time we spent talking, the more we bonded, the more our feelings grew. In the end, I realised he was never truly mine in the first place. But, we did share something real.
He came along and shattered every idea I’ve ever had about intimacy. He redefined every sensation that I once thought it was, changed my definition of being vulnerable to another. He showed me that intimacy is about feeling safe with someone, trusting them, loving them, respecting them, and most importantly, understanding them.
He helped me realise that I couldn’t stay afraid of everyone forever. That, eventually, I had to come out of my shell. So we learned everything there was to know about each other, feeling and embracing the electric we had between us. The one true connection we had felt in ages.
In the short time we were together we fell in love with each other. We never looked back to wonder if it was a mistake, because we knew that even if it was short lived we had helped each other grow and learn.
I let him touch my bare skin, I was attracted to him as much as he was to me. And, unlike you, he embraced my every flaw, and calmed my every nerve.
In the end, he left, went off to find his own happiness. Something he couldn’t have with me. He wasn’t heartbroken or devastated, but he was confused about it all. So was I, I was confused about everything he had said. He left to be with another girl, someone that could give him what I wouldn’t, someone who could love him without hesitation.
Truly, I am happy for him. And, I am glad we had each other for the time that we did. I don’t regret being vulnerable to him, he never gave me a reason to. My bare skin was safe under his touch.
